Talking With Kids After a Student's Suicide
A conversation guide for parents, counselors and trusted adults
Erica Felsenthal, Ph.D. | Neurodirectives
Licensed Psychologist | PSY 21357
When a student dies by suicide, it can be hard to know what to say to a child. You don’t need perfect words. A calm presence, an honest conversation and a willingness to listen are a place to begin. This guide offers ways to talk with kids after a student’s suicide, including when the cause of death is unconfirmed or private.
Educational information only - not psychotherapy
This handout is for general education. It is not psychotherapy, psychological assessment, diagnosis, treatment, individualized clinical advice, legal advice or crisis care. Reading, using or sharing it does not, by itself, establish a psychologist-patient relationship with Erica Felsenthal, Ph.D., or Neurodirectives. For existing clients, it does not replace individualized care or change an existing treatment relationship. It cannot address every situation or replace advice from a qualified professional familiar with your circumstances. Do not delay professional or emergency help because of this handout.
Resources are provided for information only, not as endorsements or guarantees of accuracy, qualifications, quality, availability or suitability. Information and services may change; confirm details directly. Listed organizations and providers do not necessarily endorse this handout, its author or Neurodirectives. For crisis support in the U.S., call or text 988. For immediate danger or a medical emergency, call 911 or go to an emergency department.
A few things to keep in mind
These suggestions are for middle schoolers and teenagers. Use words that feel natural to you and fit the child’s age and needs. Ask about personal safety privately. These prompts are not a screening tool or clinical risk assessment, and this guide is not a school crisis-response protocol.
Use only confirmed information shared by the family or school. Choose the opening in Section 1 that fits what is known and what may be shared. If the cause is unconfirmed or private, say the student died; do not speculate or imply that it was suicide.
Find a quiet moment to sit together, ideally in person and soon after the news. Children may already be hearing things online. Give them time to talk, and leave room for pauses.
Replace the brackets with the student’s name and school only if that information may be shared. Otherwise, say “a student at our school.” Respect the family’s privacy.
You can discuss suicide generally when children raise questions, and ask privately about their own safety, even when the cause of death is unknown. Make clear that this does not tell us how the student died.
You don’t have to work through every section or have all the answers. If you’re worried about a child’s safety, go straight to Section 6 and get help.
1. Begin with honesty and care
Choose the opening that fits what has been confirmed and what the family or school has shared. Use it as a starting point, in your own words. [2]
When suicide is confirmed and may be shared
“I want to check in with you about something really sad. [Name], a student at [school], died. The family or school has confirmed that [Name] died by suicide. You may have heard things already, and I wanted us to have some time to talk. What’s been on your mind?”
When the cause of death is unconfirmed
“I want to check in with you about something really sad. [Name], a student at [school], died. We don’t have confirmed information about how they died, and I don’t want to guess. You may have heard things already. What’s been on your mind? I’m here to listen.”
When the family has requested privacy about the cause
“I want to check in with you about something really sad. [Name], a student at [school], died. The family has asked to keep the cause of death private, and we’ll respect that. You may have heard things already. What’s been on your mind? I’m here to listen.”
2. Make room to listen
“What have you heard? What’s been on your mind? You can ask me anything. I may not know every answer, but I want to understand how this is feeling for you.” If rumors come up, gently return to what is known. Keep details about the death private: “We don’t need to go into how they died to talk about how this is affecting you.”
3. Let feelings be what they are
“There’s no right way to feel about this. You might feel sad, angry, confused or guilty. You might feel numb, or not feel much at all. You don’t have to feel the way your friends do. Feelings can come and go, and we can keep talking as they change.”
4. Explain with care
Use this when suicide is confirmed or the child asks about suicide generally. If the cause is unknown or private, do not link this explanation to the student’s death.
“We often want a reason when something this painful happens. But suicide is complicated. It is rarely about one fight, one post or one bad day. It often involves treatable health problems, like depression, other mental health conditions or problems with alcohol or drugs. When someone is in overwhelming emotional pain, it can be hard to think clearly or see other ways through it. Suicide is not a solution to problems. Help can make a difference, and people can and do recover with support. Friends are not responsible for preventing someone’s suicide.” [6, 7]
When suicide is confirmed, you can add: “We may never know exactly what happened for [Name]. If you’re wondering whether you could have done something differently, I want you to hear this: it was not your fault.”
We can talk about mental health and recovery without guessing about the student’s diagnosis or personal circumstances.
5. Talk about friends and finding support
Sometimes it feels easier to begin by talking about friends. Choose a question or two, then give the child room to respond. Listen to what the relationship meant to them. Keep the focus on how they and their friends are doing, rather than asking them to explain the death or look for signs they missed. [2]
“Did you know [Name]? Were they part of your friend group? What would you like me to know about them?”
“How are your friends doing with this news? Is there anyone you’re worried about?”
“What do you think would help you and your friends feel supported right now? Who are the adults we could turn to?”
“Has a friend said or posted something that makes you worried they might hurt themselves? You don’t have to decide how serious it is. Please tell an adult right away so we can help.”
“If a friend says something that worries you, even as a joke or online, telling an adult isn’t snitching. It’s caring about them enough to get help. You can be a good friend without carrying this by yourself. Who are the adults you’d feel comfortable going to besides me?”
“If a friend asks you to keep a safety concern secret, you can say, ‘I care about you too much to keep this to myself. Let’s find someone who can help.’ If one adult isn’t available or doesn’t help, tell another. You or a friend can also call or text 988 any time, or text HOME to 741741.”
After talking about friends, make room to ask privately about the child’s own safety. If anything has you worried, move to Section 6 right away.
6. Ask about their safety, gently and directly
Ask these questions one-on-one, somewhere private. Let the child know they can be honest, and that you will involve people who can help if there is a safety concern. Teachers, counselors and other professionals should follow applicable reporting duties and their organization’s procedures.
“I care about how you’re doing, and I want to ask you something directly. You won’t be in trouble for being honest with me. Have you been feeling hopeless or desperate, like things won’t get better or you don’t know how to keep going?”
Then ask directly, even if the child does not describe feeling hopeless: “Have you ever had thoughts about not wanting to be alive or about killing yourself? Are you having any thoughts like that now?”
Ask separately about self-harm: “Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose, or wanted to?” Take a breath and listen. Let them finish without blame, lectures or guilt.
Asking directly about suicide does not increase suicidal thoughts or behavior. [1]
Research with teenagers supports asking directly. [1, 7] A study of children ages 8-12 also found that repeated questions about suicide were not associated with increased suicidal thoughts. [8]
If they say yes, try to keep your voice calm: “Thank you for telling me. I’m really glad you did. You’re not in trouble, and you don’t have to carry this alone. We’re going to get you support.” Contact a mental health professional promptly; seek same-day guidance for recent thoughts or self-harm.
If the child is thinking about suicide now, stay with them and seek an urgent professional evaluation. Have a responsible adult safely secure medications, firearms and other potentially lethal items; children should not handle weapons. If this cannot be done safely, seek emergency guidance. Call or text 988 for guidance. If there is an attempt, injury, immediate danger, or you cannot keep them safe, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.
A denial or promise to stay safe does not rule out risk. If concerned, get professional guidance. Ask a clinician to develop a safety plan with the child and caregiver as one part of ongoing care. The plan should include coping steps, support contacts and a safer home environment. Pair it with reducing access to potentially lethal items and planned follow-up to confirm the child reaches care. A written plan alone is not a substitute for treatment. Do not rely on a promise or “no-suicide contract.” Make sure the child gets connected with support, and keep following up. [3, 7, 9]
If a young person contacts you through an informal message with a personal safety concern, do not try to determine their risk through the handout or a brief exchange. Help them reach a safe adult and appropriate crisis or clinical care. Professionals should also follow any duties arising from their role or an existing treatment relationship.
7. Social media and memorials
“You might see posts, memorial pages, rumors or upsetting images online. Some may leave you with more questions or make this feel harder. Please don’t share details or guesses about what happened, or forward graphic content. If something worries you, bring it privately to an adult.”
“It’s okay to miss [Name] and share a kind memory. You don’t have to post, comment or go to a memorial to show that you care. People grieve differently, and you get to have your own way of remembering.”
“You don’t have to keep looking at something that hurts to see. We can take a break from social media, mute an account or put the phone away for a while. Tell me if it’s staying with you after you’ve closed the app.”
Reducing the risk of suicide contagion
Exposure to a suicide can increase risk for some vulnerable young people. Supportive conversation and access to care can help; no conversation or checklist guarantees safety. Avoid silence, shame or sensational coverage. [2, 5]
Remember the person’s life without glorifying the death. Avoid messages that portray suicide as peaceful, heroic, a solution to problems, or a way to gain love or recognition. Do not share methods, locations, suicide notes or graphic images.
Emphasize hope and recovery. Remind children that emotional pain can change, treatment helps, and support is available. Encourage safe coping and ordinary routines.
Coordinate memorials and messaging with the school’s mental health team. Use consistent remembrance policies for all deaths; offer voluntary participation and support. Avoid schoolwide memorial assemblies or repeated sensational tributes.
Check in privately with vulnerable children. Take statements about wanting to join the student or having a similar fate seriously. Ask directly about suicidal thoughts and use the urgent steps in Section 6.
8. When someone posts about sadness or self-harm
“Sometimes a friend posts about feeling hopeless, hurting themselves or not wanting to be alive. You may wonder whether they’re joking, venting or asking for help. It can feel confusing, especially when you care about them. You don’t have to figure it out on your own.”
“If a post worries you, please show a trusted adult right away. Posts about wanting to die, suicide, self-harm or not being safe need adult attention, even if you’re unsure or they ask you not to tell. If it’s safe, show the post or its link privately. Don’t delay getting help or keep looking at upsetting material, and don’t download or forward graphic content to collect evidence.”
“You can say, ‘I’m glad you told me. I care about you. Let’s get an adult who can help.’ You don’t have to find the perfect thing to say or stay available all night. Don’t promise secrecy or try to handle this alone. A friend can offer care and connection; adults and professionals need to help with safety.”
“You can care about your friend without sharing what they posted. Don’t repost, forward, like or comment on graphic self-harm content or details about how someone might hurt themselves. Show it privately to an adult. Once an adult is involved, it’s okay to mute the account or step away. Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care.”
Responding to a concerning post: Take it seriously. Help connect the young person with a safe caregiver and professional support. If a caregiver may be unsafe, contact a school safeguarding professional, crisis service or emergency responder for guidance. Report concerning content through the platform, but do not rely on a platform report alone. If danger appears immediate, call 911.
9. Keep the connection going
“We don’t have to figure this out alone. I may not have every answer, but I’m here with you. We can talk again tonight, tomorrow or whenever it comes up. What would feel helpful right now? Is there a way you’d like to remember [Name], or something we could do together this week? I’ll keep checking in. You don’t need to have the right words.”
Keep checking in over the coming weeks
Keep making room for conversation in the days and weeks ahead. A child who seems okay today may feel differently later. Pay particular attention to the children described below, while remembering that others may need support too. If you notice a safety concern, get help now rather than waiting for the next check-in.
Close friends; children who last spoke with or saw the student shortly before the death, especially those who feel responsible; children who witnessed the death or its aftermath; children who had conflict with the student; and those who strongly identify with them. Risk can extend to students who did not know the person well. [10, 11]
Children with previous mental health concerns, self-harm, suicide attempts or suicidal thoughts; recent losses; or exposure to graphic content or the aftermath. Warning signs include hopelessness, wanting to die, being a burden, researching ways to die, saying goodbye, giving away belongings, withdrawal, marked sleep or mood changes, and increased substance use. Seek help promptly for new or worsening signs. Planning, preparations or current suicidal thoughts need urgent evaluation (Section 6). [4]
Resources and Support
Contact providers directly to confirm services, eligibility and fees.
About these resources: Listings are informational, not endorsements or guarantees. Inclusion does not imply that a provider endorses this handout, its author or Neurodirectives. This list is not exhaustive; choose support that fits your family’s needs.
Immediate crisis support
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, 24/7 • 988lifeline.org
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741 • crisistextline.org
Immediate danger or medical emergency: call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.
Teen Line, a Didi Hirsch program: Call 800-852-8336 daily, 6-10 p.m. Pacific; text TEEN to 839863, 6-9 p.m. Pacific. didihirsch.org/teenline. After-hours calls route to adult support; for support outside text hours, call or text 988.
Counseling, grief support and community resources
The providers below offer scheduled services and information; their office numbers and email addresses should not be used in place of emergency or crisis support.
The Maple Counseling Center: low-cost counseling for children, adolescents and families. Briskin|Wilder Welcome Center: 310-271-9999, Monday-Friday, 9 a.m.-5 p.m. Pacific • tmcc.org. For appointments and referrals; this is not a 24-hour crisis hotline. For immediate crisis support, call or text 988.
Didi Hirsch Suicide Prevention Center: suicide-focused therapy and suicide-loss support. LA/California therapy intake: 424-362-2911 • didihirsch.org/suicide-prevention. For immediate crisis support, call or text 988.
Organization for Social Media Safety: education and resources for safer social media use • ofsms.org • socialmediasafety.org.
Sinai Temple Mental Health Center: a Jewish community resource offering mental health consultation, referrals and support groups, including bereavement. Contact Carolyn Hoffman, LCSW, Director, at 310-481-3209 or choffman@sinaitemple.org • sinaitemple.org. Published information describes services for Temple members and families; ask about eligibility and current group availability.
Affiliation disclosure: Erica Felsenthal serves on the boards of the Organization for Social Media Safety and The Maple Counseling Center. Both organizations are listed for informational purposes only. Their inclusion does not constitute an endorsement or imply that either organization endorses this handout, its author or Neurodirectives.
This resource list is not exhaustive. Inclusion does not establish a referral or guarantee that a service fits a particular family. Use qualified professional guidance for individual decisions.
Sources and further guidance
The conversation examples use original wording. References inform the guidance; inclusion does not imply endorsement by these organizations or authors.
[1] NIMH: 5 Action Steps to Help Someone Having Thoughts of Suicide
[2] AFSP/SPRC: After a Suicide - A Toolkit for Schools, 2nd ed. (2018)
[3] Didi Hirsch: How to Help Someone in Crisis
[4] Didi Hirsch: Recognizing Suicide Warning Signs
[5] Didi Hirsch: Media Guidelines (safe communication and contagion)
NIMH: Youth Brief Suicide Safety Assessment Guide (for clinicians)
Didi Hirsch: Resources and Support; Teen Line
[6] Schonfeld, David J., et al. “Supporting the Grieving Child and Family: Clinical Report.” Pediatrics, vol. 154, no. 1, 2024, e2024067212. doi:10.1542/peds.2024-067212.
[7] Hua, Liwei L., et al. “Suicide and Suicide Risk in Adolescents.” Pediatrics, vol. 153, no. 1, 2024, e2023064800. doi:10.1542/peds.2023-064800.
[8] Hennefield, Laura, et al. “Asking Preadolescents About Suicide Is Not Associated With Increased Suicidal Thoughts.” Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, vol. 65, no. 1, 2026, pp. 34-41. Published online 4 Apr. 2025. doi:10.1016/j.jaac.2025.03.025.
[9] Albaum, Carly, et al. “Safety Planning Interventions for Suicide Prevention in Children and Adolescents: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis.” JAMA Pediatrics, vol. 179, no. 8, 2025, pp. 886-95. doi:10.1001/jamapediatrics.2025.1012.
[10] American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. “Practice Parameter for the Assessment and Treatment of Children and Adolescents With Suicidal Behavior.” Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, vol. 40, no. 7 suppl., 2001, pp. 24S-51S.
[11] Swanson, Sonja A., and Ian Colman. “Association Between Exposure to Suicide and Suicidality Outcomes in Youth.” CMAJ, vol. 185, no. 10, 2013, pp. 870-77. doi:10.1503/cmaj.121377.
Research note: The Hennefield study examined suicidal thoughts after repeated screening; it does not establish an absolute guarantee of safety. The Albaum review found limited, often biased evidence and no support for safety planning as a stand-alone treatment. A correction notice (doi:10.1001/jamapediatrics.2026.2781) and an authors’ letter published in July 2026 confirmed that the error did not change the review’s overall findings or clinical implications.